I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that i gave my all to you. I'm sorry that i fell too fast.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry i loved you.

i wish i saw this coming and i wish i stopped it before it became too bad.
i only wish i hadn't had let you in. i only wish i hadn't had broken any walls so early.

now I've reached all vulnerability. now I'm weak & it can be seen.

but i have to remain strong, i know i know. but its so scary. its so hard.
i lost and i don't know what to do and i don't know who to ask. who to seek guidance.

i don't want to break my promise, i don't.
but depression calls and I'm running out of options.

save me, before i go.
save me, before i give up.


-effy

she was a dark little girl
one trapped inside a body of a human being.
she felt very... out of place. she always did actually.

she was not human, she knew that for a fact.
but she didn't know what she really was
a monster of some sorts, maybe.

she always knew she was....different
why, she had no idea.
but she knew she was.

she knew she didn't belong

why

why

why do people do this? toy with others' feelings and cheat them for emotions?
i am many things but i am not a toy.

when i said i'd do everything i could to show you you deserve happiness, i'd do anything to see you a sincere smile. it didn't mean you could use me and play with me and pass me around.

i am many things but i am not a toy

i used to imagine you with all but tears,
you gave me smiles like mom made me hers.

and i used to think bout you for the years,
you let me inside i was your listening ear.

but now all thats left is me and my fears,
where are you you said you'd be here.

so now ill get going,
where i'll end up i won't leave knowing.

-effy

suffering

do you ever feel like the burning sensation on your skin, is never enough to overcome the torture inside?

do you?
do you ever feel like the physical torture is simply better than the emotional bullying you've been made to face?

slashing

im a recovered cutter. and i am not embarrassed of it. I'm not embarrassed of the scars on my wrists, be it deep or not. they are there permanently, i can assure you that. I'm not embarrassed of the stab wound on my thigh, stuck there forever.

my scars tell a story. my war story. my success story.

the scars on my wrists and thighs and abdonment and feet, their my pride. no not in a sense that i flaunt it around. only, if someone questions me of it, i am proud to say, hello, I've recovered.

going through it, noone really understood why i felt the need to slash myself. noone understood why i had to sit in a bathroom, and watch blood trickle down my body, lick it off my arm, or simply leave it to dry, before peeling it off. and noone understood why i couldn't just " talk it out ". no, no one.

but I'm better now. I'm okay. for now. though my wrists hold my scars, they hold my story. I'm safe now. I'm settled. and I'm okay.

i guess all i wanted to share was, recovery is possible, i promise you, it is. you'll be okay in the end.

if its not okay, its not the end.

be strong, god bless.
- effy

yesterday's miracles are today's science

prob the best quote I've ever heard. got it from a proffesor earlier today. I'm a huge supporter of the whole conserving environment thing. so i kind of spent like 20 mins trying to draw this on my new stack of foolscap paper ( yes 20 minutes for THAT ). but yeah.

i strongly believe in saving our earth. i don't like knowing that our earth is dying, and theres something we could be doing about it, but no one is. its a movement i hope to change in the future. and I'm starting from now. hopefully it all works well in the future.

just something i wanted to share :).

little things make me happy.

REDUCE. REUSE. RECYCLE. 

amin.

leap.

look at all the pretty girls out there,
running around, long blonde hair.
look at them socialising, they've all got friends.
and here i am, wondering whens the end.
maybe its time to say goodbye, I'm not that guy.

this is the end, close your eyes, count to ten.
this is the leap, maybe we'll meet again.

promise you'll look at the sky,
count the stars, watch them rise.
promise you'll count your blessings,
tell me how bright they shine.

until then, this is the end, close your eyes, count to ten.
this is the leap, maybe we'll meet again.

so when I'm gone, do go on, don't mourn,
celebrate to the sound of my voice,
ill be around, looking down,

but for now, I'm sorry
this is the end. 
i close my eyes, count to ten.
this is my leap, maybe i'll sleep.

- effy

i understand my english is bad, this was a song i wrote october '14. never intended to do anything with it but well, here i am now. hope you like :).