she was a dark little girl
one trapped inside a body of a human being.
she felt very... out of place. she always did actually.

she was not human, she knew that for a fact.
but she didn't know what she really was
a monster of some sorts, maybe.

she always knew she was....different
why, she had no idea.
but she knew she was.

she knew she didn't belong

why

why

why do people do this? toy with others' feelings and cheat them for emotions?
i am many things but i am not a toy.

when i said i'd do everything i could to show you you deserve happiness, i'd do anything to see you a sincere smile. it didn't mean you could use me and play with me and pass me around.

i am many things but i am not a toy

i used to imagine you with all but tears,
you gave me smiles like mom made me hers.

and i used to think bout you for the years,
you let me inside i was your listening ear.

but now all thats left is me and my fears,
where are you you said you'd be here.

so now ill get going,
where i'll end up i won't leave knowing.

-effy

suffering

do you ever feel like the burning sensation on your skin, is never enough to overcome the torture inside?

do you?
do you ever feel like the physical torture is simply better than the emotional bullying you've been made to face?

slashing

im a recovered cutter. and i am not embarrassed of it. I'm not embarrassed of the scars on my wrists, be it deep or not. they are there permanently, i can assure you that. I'm not embarrassed of the stab wound on my thigh, stuck there forever.

my scars tell a story. my war story. my success story.

the scars on my wrists and thighs and abdonment and feet, their my pride. no not in a sense that i flaunt it around. only, if someone questions me of it, i am proud to say, hello, I've recovered.

going through it, noone really understood why i felt the need to slash myself. noone understood why i had to sit in a bathroom, and watch blood trickle down my body, lick it off my arm, or simply leave it to dry, before peeling it off. and noone understood why i couldn't just " talk it out ". no, no one.

but I'm better now. I'm okay. for now. though my wrists hold my scars, they hold my story. I'm safe now. I'm settled. and I'm okay.

i guess all i wanted to share was, recovery is possible, i promise you, it is. you'll be okay in the end.

if its not okay, its not the end.

be strong, god bless.
- effy

yesterday's miracles are today's science

prob the best quote I've ever heard. got it from a proffesor earlier today. I'm a huge supporter of the whole conserving environment thing. so i kind of spent like 20 mins trying to draw this on my new stack of foolscap paper ( yes 20 minutes for THAT ). but yeah.

i strongly believe in saving our earth. i don't like knowing that our earth is dying, and theres something we could be doing about it, but no one is. its a movement i hope to change in the future. and I'm starting from now. hopefully it all works well in the future.

just something i wanted to share :).

little things make me happy.

REDUCE. REUSE. RECYCLE. 

amin.

leap.

look at all the pretty girls out there,
running around, long blonde hair.
look at them socialising, they've all got friends.
and here i am, wondering whens the end.
maybe its time to say goodbye, I'm not that guy.

this is the end, close your eyes, count to ten.
this is the leap, maybe we'll meet again.

promise you'll look at the sky,
count the stars, watch them rise.
promise you'll count your blessings,
tell me how bright they shine.

until then, this is the end, close your eyes, count to ten.
this is the leap, maybe we'll meet again.

so when I'm gone, do go on, don't mourn,
celebrate to the sound of my voice,
ill be around, looking down,

but for now, I'm sorry
this is the end. 
i close my eyes, count to ten.
this is my leap, maybe i'll sleep.

- effy

i understand my english is bad, this was a song i wrote october '14. never intended to do anything with it but well, here i am now. hope you like :).

just saying

i would just like to say,

i have so much to share on this blog, I'm so excited!!

am i wrong?

i don't think i could handle any failure any more. i don't think i could take in any more disappointments. my heart aches to know that i am already on that route. route to failure again. to know all the pain and suffering is going to begin again. i wish, i wish i could just.. up and leave from here!

the agony of waiting is eating me up. thinking it may come but knowing its probably not. but still, having to wait. thinking, planning, hoping. but having to see other people happy.

should i not be jealous? should i be happy for them? but then again, jealousy means care, right?

am i wrong? for feeling this way? am i being selfish? should i not be feeling this feeling? but i am not subscribed to this... is it not my right and place to this emotion... this emotional combination of... curiosity, impatience, agony, bully and torture.

is it then, still my mistake for feeling this?

deserving

i dont deserve it, okay? what happened to me. i don't.

i dont deserve all these sleepless nights and soundless cries for help.
i dont deserve it, i just don't. i deserve to be happy. to sleep and wake up with a mile. i deserve to be able to walk around town and show people, "look, I'm fine."

I DESERVE TO BE OKAY.

i cannot take this much longer. i cannot take the suffering much more. how much longer would i have to take the pain? how much longer would i have to pretend? to lie a smile, every damn day..
how long? how long!

i refuse to take on this treatment anymore. i refuse i refuse!!
i refuse to be taken for use, for play for toy. i refuse.

hello!

hello. 

my name is effy. i created this blog bc i wanted to share with people(who would bother) - some of the things i write. they reflect my emotions during my times of suffering. most of them i leave unfinished but whatever. these are my war stories. i feel like most of them don't actually make sense. but idk. i might use this for ranting too, for anyone who wants to relate or, well, judge. I'm fine.

i hope you'll appreciate my postings. god bless :).

- effy

the demon's returned

I could feel him creeping up behind me, slowly, preying. He wanted to have me. This body. This soul. To him it was his property. It belonged to him. To him, I was his.

I could already feel his form behind me. Amidst the pool of bodies surrounding me. I could feel his presence, his strength and his power. I knew he was here. I could feel it. I could feel him.

Kill. Incarnate. Body snatch.

  He’s here. He’s so strong today… He’s bigger than usual. So scary today. I haven’t seen his face.

-effy

until death becomes better than defeat

The thing is,

Sometimes we don’t realize we’ve been hit.

We don’t realize we’ve been hit, until its already piercing into our physical bones.

Until its too late.

Until we’d rather have the knife stuck inside, the pain of pressure.

Against having it removed, for the burning sensation of blood loss.

Until torture becomes better than loosing.

Until, pain becomes better than the heat.

Until death…. becomes better than defeat.

-effy

fighting

I try to fight it, try to defeat it.

But it eats me alive, like a demon in possession.

Slowly. Slowly. Surely.

Piercing. Like a knife stabbing.

Sometimes, the slowest knives, the ones that burn slowly,

Greasing against the bones of our bodies,

Slowly pulled out, finally letting the victim feel, the burning sensation,

The heat of blood rushing out, weak in the bones.

-effy

taking over

The pain subsided at first, but the demon is back the demon has returned.

It started out easy.

The demon, he was gentle at first. Intimate. he took his time in the possession. As if he first found pleasure in making me suffer.

Then he found pleasure in watching me suffer.

The possession sped up. He became more demanding in the process.

He was the demon.

-effy

GREY GREYER GREYEST

It eats me inside, like a demon in possession. Slowly, slowly, then entirely. Like the black slowly takes me over. Grey, grey, greyer, greyer, black. Blacker. Things just keep getting darker and darker. Slowly takes over me, my being.

I try to tell it leave me alone, I try to fight it. But it never seems to work. It’s too strong – like a demon in possession. Like a virus taking over.

Then again, how do you classify winning a fight and loosing it? How do you know you really won? Could it be possible I win even when I loose?

The demon is back, the demon is here, stronger bigger better than ever.